Zombies: Fast or Slow?

So if you don't like zombies just stop fucking reading this right now. Ok? Now for those of you who do enjoy a heart warming coming-back-from-the-dead-to-fuck-you-up tale this is for you.

I present the following question to you all: Fast or Slow? Now before your pervy little minds start coming up with all sorts of jokes, I'm talking zombies. Which theory of undead do you subscribe to? Is it the classic Romero zombie who is so fucking slow you can't figure why the main characters in the movie don't just run up and push them over? Or do you enjoy the super fast I just ate a bowl of crack Dawn of the Dead remake zombie?

I personally believe that when the dead do rise up to eat our brains they will move slowly. This fast zombie shit is just too silly for me. I can't understand how being dead makes you as relentlessly strong as the Terminator and as fast as Ben Johnson (when he was on the 'roids, not after). Wouldn't rigormortis set in thereby making the zombie move slower? And also the lack of blood flow would definitely stiffen up some joints. Don't get me wrong though, because I did enjoy House of the Dead, the aforementioned Dawn remake and 28 Days Later. And yes I know that 28 Days Later director Danny Boyle says it's not a zombie movie it's a rage-virus movie, but fuck him. I don't care what he says those are zombies through and through. Stupid limey prick director thinks he's so smart with his little movies... where was I... oh yeah Now this may seem like a silly debate to some, but me and most of my pals all subscribe to the slower zombie theory strictly because if it ever does really happen I don't want them to move that fast. Undead scare me enough without everyone suddenly becoming some coked-up super ninja after they expire. Now what about the Universal Soldier zombie? See I have always considered them zombies because they were dead and then they weren't. This is the very definition of zombie.

Other good zombie debates include which zombie can kick the most ass? Is it Jean-Claude in Universal Soldier, the asshole roommate in Shaun of the Dead or what about that freaky fucking little girl in Dawn? The way she jumps up and runs freaks the hell out of me every time. My personal choice though for zombie smackdown is Jesus, because lets be honest, the whole "son of God" thing gives him a good advantage over the twat that played He-Man.

- R