BEP Tonight! Yee-haw!!

So Black Eyed Peas tonight at the arena. Pretty excited about it. It will be my first time going our new Save-On-Foods Memorial Centre. I'm not really that big of a fan of them but they have enough songs I like to make it worth going... What else to say... hmmm...

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: 5 out of 6

Great great great book. Really enjoyable and only 20 bucks at Wal-Mart. Don't wanna talk to much about that as I might accidentally give away crucial info from the story.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: 4 out of 6

I was really surprised that Johnny Depp didn't get all whacko-jacko and try to offer Charlie some pills and alcohol, while attempting to fondle his Wonka bar. The trailers for this made me so sure I would not like this movie but I went anyways (I had to take Billie). I was very surprised with what I saw. This whole time I was expecting some Michael Jackson / Marilyn Manson pervy half-breed, trying to get it on with all the kids. As much as I love Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, Mr. Depp looked like the poster boy for pedophilia in this flick. Glad to say I was wrong and there were no weirdo awkward child / man-child interaction scenes... but then again there's always DVD cut-scenes so who knows, right? The Oompa-Loompas were all played by the same guy which was odd, and they sang songs that weren't quite as good as the original ones. As far as remakes go this is a winner though. Anyone with kids needs to take them to this, but if you go without the toddlers? Smoke a big fucking fatty and you'll really enjoy this one.

The Wedding Crashers: 4 out of 6

Fucking funny as hell. Nothing else to say really. If you've seen the comercials you know the story. It's not some tale of drama, suspense and woe. It's two fuck heads crashing weddings to get laid. Pretty straight forward. Funny funny stuff though.

I'm also trying to quit smoking... ugh. Fuck man that sucks. Either don't ever start or don't ever quit. I had a bit of one today and I didn't feel so hot after, so maybe I'll be able to really quit this time. And of course I lit up just as Brooke pulled in. Fucking figures... sneak one smoke and it's just as your girlfriend shows up. So I'm going to try and read more and do this thing more and try to keep myself occupied with other tasks. I'm reading "the only good thing anyone has ever done" by Sandra Newman. Not bad so far, but really disjointed storytelling.

That's all for now, and if anyone knows of any good books to read lemme know. Post a comment. E-mail. Phone. Stop by with coffee. Just let me know! The rate I'm going it's going to be a book every day or two!

- R

Recent things seen and done reviews:

Fantastic Four: 4 out of 6

Wow. A lot better than expected. I was wary of how they'd pull off the special effects and shit. Especially Reed's stretching. Very wary. All in all a decent flick though. Johnny Storm was easily the show stealer, making every scene with him by far the more enjoyable parts of the movie. Dr. Doom was also done nicely and it was nice to see Alicia Masters, Willie Lumpkin and Latveria all getting in the film. My only complaint was that if you are unfamiliar with the comic book source material you may find yourself a little lost at first.

An Evening With Kevin Smith: 10 out of 6

Just got back from Vancouver after seeing Kev rock the mic at the Vogue theatre. Easily a highlight in my life. I always hoped I would be able to see on of his Q and A's ever since I first read about them at www.newsaskew.com. What a fucking show! This man is pure genius. His stories range from J. Lo wiping with a handtowel to his recent tiff with Affleck to him swearing in front of his kid. All this and he farts in the mic twice, proving yet again no matter how old you get farts are funny. Jen and Harley were there, and so were Mewes and Malcolm. Very cool indeed. The only problems with the show was that Vancouver Film School (VFS) had bought a large block of tickets and these fuckwads seemed to think Q and A meant "Pitch my movie ideas to Kevin". You think after he didn't want to do the first two guys movies people would give up. Alas, but no. The VFS students are persistent little fuckers. Also some dude threw pizza at a guy that got on stage, which I thought was a fucking dickwad thing to do.

Lots of great lines last night too. Some of my faves were:

"If it's hard it won't bend, and if it's soft it won't reach."

"Nigger, this ain't Deadwood."

"Hopefully you'll be shitting better in no time."

"Maybe my gut would swing down onto her clit..."

and finally:

"She's not J. Lo or Jenny from the block, she's just latina broad crying in my house."

If you ever have a chance to see this man live, run to get tickets. It is truly a beautiful thing to hear Kev tell a twenty minute story about taking a shit while stoned. I was kinda hoping for an autograph though, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Too bad cause I printed off some nice pics of Jen, Mewes and Kev for framing. If you're somehow reading this Kevin let me know if there's anyway I can get your autograph! It also kinda bugged me how he seems to not like Jersey Girl that much right now. Maybe he's not aware of how fantastic that movie is, but it definitely touched home with me. I too am a single dad who at one point just wanted my old life back. Only differance was my kid's mom wasn't dead, she just moved away. I think it is a brilliant film and is in my top ten of all time. Also some surprises there last night. Mewes being one of them. Kev got honored by VFS with an honorary certificate even though he dropped out four months in, and Mae showed up. For those unfamiliar with Mae she is a post-op tranny who Kevin filmed a documentary on (well sort of...) while he was at VFS. Sorry if this review dialogue is disjointed, but I've been up for almost 34 hours and still have three more to go until I'm off work... why you ask? Read the next review.

Downtown Vancouver: 2 out of 6

Yes, that's right. I am reviewing a city. Joe and I wandered around downtown Van all last night, as Kevin let out at like 1:30 and we had to catch a 6:30 bus so I could get to work. To paraphrase Ben Kenobi: "Vancouver city, never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.". Fuck around man. I watched a homeless man make out with a hooker and had people ask me for change every five fucking minutes. The only thing that made it not seem so bad was that I had seen Kevin Fucking Smith live!!! Oh and Roxy Burger was great. If I'm ever in Van again I will definitely eat there. I will however walk there without passing the McDonald's that smelled like their urinals emptied directly into the alley behind it. That was fucking awful. Fucking crank heads were everywhere, cops were all over when the bars let out, the streets were fucking littered with trash, and the whole place has a weird smell that Vancouverites are probably just used to by now. Fuck Vancouver. Fuck it right in it's ear. Maybe I'm just too used to Victoria where we don't have a 24 hour heroin supply on every corner like they're selling hot dogs.

It just feels like a large dirty city with no real culture or soul, and I've been to a few other big cities, but nothing as dirty and horrific as this shit-hole town. Again, fuck Vancouver. Fuck it right in it's ear. If this offends anyone... well I'm not really sorry. My opinion is my own and if you don't like it find another blog to read. Or make fun of me. Either way I don't give a fuck. So the only reason it gets two stars is solely based on Roxy Burger and our super nice waitress and ummm... well that's it really. That place was Vancouvers only redeeming quality last night.

- R

Taking Requests...

Anyone want to hear my opinions and thoughts on anything specific? Leave your ideas and suggestions in the comments area at the bottom of this post. I'll read it and possibly use you ideas in a future blog! Wow! Almost like being famous. Of course, I will be claiming any ideas submitted as my own.

Unless they suck.




Like Russ.











Fuck you Russ.


- R

Dirty Mexicans...

So me and Brooke (or "Brooke and I" for the grammar nazi's) just got back from Mexico last week. Wow. I would rather go the bathroom in a truck stop for my next vacation then go back. For a country with such rich cultural heritage it sure sucks down there. The country smells like people have defecated on the sidewalks and I'm 90% sure there is no Spanish word for hygiene. I mean c'mon at one time these people built these incredible pyramids and all of this amazing stuff and now the whole country takes a nap everyday? Fuck that. I've seen people who take naps everyday and they're called bums. Bums people. Fucking bums.

On the plus side we had a few good days. We went to an ecological preserve called Xcaret and saw some jaguars. I enjoyed that, being a cat lover and all. We also went on a Mayan Jungle tour thing that totally rocked. By far the best part of the trip. We went to a Mayan village (the good kind of Mexicans) and rappelled down a cliff, zip-lined over a crocodile lake, kayaked through said lake, ate a mayan lunch, swam in a cenote (look it up Jules) and finished the day off with a shot of tequila. All in all this made the entire vacation worth it. Brooke met a little chubby mayan baby that made her burst into tears, awwwwwwwwww. It was amazing. If anyone is going to the Yucatan side go here and do one of the tours: All Tour Native.

You won't regret it. I swear.

The beach was nice too. White sands, clear water, nary a Mexican in sight. I liked that. Lots of boobs too. Too many 65 year old German titties and far too may 327 pound hairy freakshows in speedos. Who the fuck wears a speedo? Honestly... The food was good as well, but it was nice to be home and not have to eat buffet style every fucking day. Well that's my Mexico trip in a nutshell... Maybe I'll post some pic's, but realistically I won't cause I never do... Until next time,

- R

Movie Reviews

Here is my summer movie roundup, based on what I've seen so far.

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith: 4 out of 6

WOW! It was good! I am totally shocked by this. Just wow. The lightsaber fights were wicked awesome and the Anakin Obi-Wan duel was soooo impressive. Everything I wanted it to be... well... except the whole Emperor / Midi-Chlorian / Ani's Daddy shit... fuck that. Edit those 5 minutes out and I'll give it 4.5 outta 6. With those 5 minutes it only gets a 4.

Batman Begins: 7 out of 6

Holy fucking good movie Batman! With Joel Crossdresser nowhere to be found the ultimate Batman movie has been made! I always loved Keaton as Bats but Bale completely blows him out of the water. What a great movie! Liam Neeson is an acting God, and not one member of the cast blows. Solid performances by everyone. Even Katie Holmes being associated with Tom "You don't know, I do" Cruise didn't ruin this movie for me. I guess he's only destroying his career right now, but I'm sure by next summer he'll take her down with him. This is definitely the best, must-see, kick-ass summer blockbuster this year. Go see it.

Now.

What are you waiting for?

Now.

Land of the Dead: 1 out of 6

Back from Batman now? Good. Let's continue... FUCKING AWFUL SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT BALL LICKING TEN DOLLAR STEALING PILE OF MONKEY FECES FUCK YOU ROMERO SHIT SHIT FUCK CRAP HATED IT SCUM SUCKING WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME. No, I don't have Tourette's that's just how bad this chunk of turd sucked. Don't see it. Avoid it like you avoid your weird drunk touchy-feely "Uncle Bob" at family reunions. I'd give it a zero, but I love zombies too much to do that.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: 5 out of 6

Another strong summer movie. Brad and Angelina have so much chemistry on-screen that you can't help but assume he's plowing that field for certain. C'mon, look at her. Even my girlfriend would fuck her. Tell me you wouldn't try given the chance? Anyhoo... The actual movie itself was really entertaining. I thought this one would be overshadowed by the whole "He left Rachel, She's a whore" tabloid shite, but it wasn't. Good story, good action, hot stars. Can't go wrong there. Go see this right after Batman.


That's it for now... If you want more reviews send me money so I can go see more movies. Paypal it to morph1138@hotmail.com. Make sure you send at least fifty bucks so I can take my girl and get some popcorn. C'mon... you know you want to. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

- R

Hokay!

Sorry for the lack of posts again... I have no excuse anymore as I have a computer at home and don't need to use my work one for this anymore...

There will be a couple of posts coming in the next hour or so, so stay tuned!

- R